Bright Lights At Midnight
by let's make this real
Summary: Renee is the hulk, Bella's a gangster with a British accent, Jasper's in jail, Alice is pregnant, Rosalie is angry, Emmett is confused, Carlise is gay, Esme is also confused, Charlie loves Alice, and Jake's a rapist. But why's Lord Voldmort there?crackfic
1. Preface

**This idea just hit me when I was going through all my books and I came across the Twilight Graphic Novel. I just couldn't get it out of my head, so here it is. Sorry if the preface sucks, I didn't have a lot to work with. The next Chapter should be up soon. Oh and, I'm going to go ahead and warn you guys. I suck when it comes to updating story's and putting new chapters up. But the next chapter is almost done, so don't worry about that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own**

**Preface**

I'd never given much thought to how I would die - because well, I'm not a suicidal maniac. Even if I had, I would never imagined it like this.

I held my breath as I stared at his huge red nose and colorful wig, and he smirked his creepy smirk.

This was a horrible way to die. I was about to be murdered by a psychotic clown and where was Edward? At Burger King! He doesn't even eat! If I survive this, he is so dead!

Oh, he's already kind of dead, so… never mind that.

If I had never gone to forks, none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn't be facing an evil clown. About a quarter of me is glad I did go to Forks, another quarter wishes that I was back in Arizona, and the rest of me wants a cheese burger. Hmm, maybe that's why Edward went to Burger King.

The psychotic clown smiled and showed me his yellow teeth as he sauntered forward to kill me.

"Dude, go buy a tooth brush!"


	2. Pet Rocks and a Rapist

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

My mom drove me to the airport with the heat on high and the windows rolled up. The snow outside was falling faster now. No, I'm joking. The windows were rolled down because it was seventy-five degrees outside, the sky was blue, obviously. I mean, what other color would it be? Yellow? Hmm, that would be cool.

In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. Okay, hold on, lets back it up a little. What kind of town is named Forks? I mean, do they love forks so much, they just had to name the town after their beloved eating utensils. Anyway, the stupid place is always wet and rainy. And cold.

Why was I moving back to the horrible place?

"Bella," mum said to me. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking with a British accent, just like the very sexy Robert Pattinson. You got a problem with that? "Don't get on the plane please! I want you to stay with me! Your dad can't have you!" She screams hysterically as she grabs my arm possessively and scowls.

"Mum." I say, yanking my arm back. "How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Bella, call me.." *Dramatic Pause* "B-Izzel. And, control yourself woman!" I scream the last part in her face while shaking her.

"You are not a gangster!" She completely forgets the conversation we were just having. That Ain't gonna last too long.

"Fo Shizzel, my nizzel! I so is a gangster!" Everything is quite for a minute and my mom stops moving and just stares at me. I cower back a little, but she advances on me. What'd I say?

**-Flash Back- - Incase you forgot, like B-Izzel.**

"You are not a gangster!" She completely forgets the conversation we were just having. That Ain't gonna last too long.

"Fo Shizzel, my nizzel! I so is a gangster!" Every thing is quite for a minute and my mom stops moving and just stares at me.

**-End flashback-**

"Did you just call your wonderful mother a….Nigger?" **(A/n: No offence meant to anybody reading this!) **Mum is still staring at me and it's really freaking me out. I felt panic as I stared into her ugly, mud brown eyes. She looks like me, but I'm way sexier. That, and she doesn't have over-sized jeans hanging around her thighs, with boxer shorts showing and a large white tee on with Nike's on, like me.

I had a dream last night, I had hi-top Nike's, I had diamonds in my mouth and diamond on my- oh, that's Taylor Swift and T-pain's song. My bad. Anyways, back to the very important matter at hand.

"Well! Did you!" Mum screeches at me, looking very angry.

"Hold on, Mum. Let me get the gangster dictionary out." I pull Webster's Dictionary For Gangsteric Phrases and Words out and flip threw it.

"Stop calling me that! We are not British! Agh!" She grabs a random person and throws them across the room. Then she starts going green and gets super tall and muscular and rips her clothes off. Wait a minute. How come nobody told me the hulk was my mom? Gosh, I am so mad.

I grab a little Chihuahua and attempt throw him, but I fall over from the weight. Don't worry, no animals were harmed in the making of this.

"Jacob! Are you okay, baby?" Some Indian looking chick grabs the dog and growls at me. "Come on, Leah! We have to go, before we miss the flight to Forks!" Another Indian looking chick calls. The girl, Leah. I think, growls on more time, before dropping down on her hands and knee's and running to the other girl.

"Coming, Seth!" She calls as she runs like a dog. Wow, Forks has some very weird people. Wait. Seth is a guys name, but that person had orange eye shadow on and bright pink lipstick, with red blush. Wow, I've never seen a cross-dresser. How interesting.

I turn my attention back to my mom, who is coming back down to regular size now. "I'm sorry, mum. I didn't know that word meant what it did. I've only been a gangster for a day. I don't know how this stuff works." I drop down on my hands and tears start falling from my sexy, almond-shaped, brown eyes. "Can you ever forgive me?" I sob loudly, wrapping myself around her ankle. Don't judge me!

"Get off of me Isabella!" Mum yells at me and kicks me in the head. Well, that didn't hurt at all. For all of you mentally ill people, that was sarcasm. My eyes roll to the back of my head and I pass out on the floor, but I can still hear everything, I just can't open my eyes or talk.

"Phil, throw her on the plane and lets go." Mum demands.

"What! Why me? You're the incredible hulk! How in this world am I going to lift her fat ass?" Phil yells, obviously upset. I'm not fat! Phil is such a stupid head. He's the reason I have to move to Spoons or whatever it was called.

"Are you calling my daughter fat?" My mum says in a dangerously low tone. Yeah, that's right. Kick his butt, mum!

"Yes!" Phil screams as he picks me up, grunting and moaning. Ugh, he's lifting a teenage girl, not having sex! Seriously, stop moaning.

"Yeah, she does need to lose some weight." Mum says in a perky tone. Well. I didn't see that coming. Phil throws me on the plane and I land on my head. Hey! I can see agai- Mom throws my suitcase at my head, cutting my thoughts off. Ouch.

"Bye, Bella! See you later!" They yell and start walking away. How many times do I have to tell them, it's B-Izzel!

"It's B-Izzel!" I call after them, before standing up and going to my seat, which, by the way, was beside the cross dresser and that chick, Leah. "Yo." I say as I slide into my seat, in between them. The dog starts barking happily and jumps down and starts humping my leg. "Ah! Help. Rapist! I'm being raped by a dog! Help!" I continue screaming for half an hour, unaware they had gotten the dog off me 29 minutes ago.

Eventually, Leah gets a frying pan out of her carry-on bag.

I was curious, so I stopped yelling. "Why do you have a- " She slams it into my head and I fall into a forced, but peaceful, sleep.

Four hours later we arrive in the rainy Seattle. Then we had to get on another plane and fly to Port Angeles, after that we had an hour drive back to Forks. Leah only attempted to throw me out of the window seven times, so that was good.

I don't think she likes me. That dog, however, liked me. He kept humping my leg and licking my lips. It was gross.

When the plane landed in Port Angeles, the hail was the size of a baseball and Leah used me as a human shield. That made me sad and mad. Oh, that rhymed.

Charlie was very happy I was coming to live with him. Yeah, he better be. I was dropping everything just to move in with the old man. He smile and even gave me a hug, when he saw me. Wow, my mum never gave me a hug.

Charlie and I got into the cruiser. I was expecting this, seeing as he's the police chief and everything. I was going to buy a car soon, seeing as there was no way I was going to be driven around in a car that had red and blue lights on top of it.

"I'm glad you're here, Bella. How's Renee doing?" Charlie asked and I scowled at the name Bella.

"It's B-Izzel! Gosh! Oh and mum's doing good." I smile at him and he looks at me like I have gone crazy. Well, I probably have.

"Okay," Charlie says, dragging out the 'o'. "That's good, B-Izzel," He said the name! Nobody has ever said the name, but he did! Yay! I'm already loving this place way more than Arizona. Although, I do miss the heat and the sand and the cactuses. I love cactuses. I sigh dreamily. "Char- I mean, dad, can I get a cactus?" I ask. I'm not allowed to call him Charlie to his face. Something about being disrespectful. Well, calling him it behind his back is also disrespectful. But, of course, when I pointed this out to mom, she slapped me.

After a few moments of silence, Charlie spoke. "I bought you a truck and you better like it!" He screams and I jump. I hope he isn't a crazy hulk like mom.

"Okay, dad. I love it." I say, kind of scared. He just stares at me, while still managing to drive. "Dad! Watch the road!" I scream when a huge eighteen wheeler honks and dad swerves the car and we fly over the bridge we were on and die.

The End.

Okay, I'm totally joking. This is what really happened.

"Okay, dad. I love it." I say, kind of scared. He just stares at me, while still managing to drive. "Dad! Watch the road!" I scream when a huge eighteen wheeler honks and dad swerves the car and we _almost _fly over the bridge we were on, but dad manages to get the car back right.

Happy?

Anyway, we both sigh in relief. Everything is quite for the next hour.

"Don't tell your mom about that." Dad says, sparing me a glace out of the corner of his eye. Like he needed to tell me that. Mom would go crazy if she found out.

"I won't." I say and after a minute add, "What kind of car is it?" I wanted to know.

"A Chevy, it's a very sexy red color." He says, smiling at me. How can a color be sexy? Well, I'm not going to ask. He seems a little more psychotic than I remember and I'd like to get to Forks in one piece.

So instead of asking that, I ask, "What year is it?" I raise an eyebrow when he stays silent and avoids my eye. "Dad?"

"I think he bought it in 1984."

"Well, was it new? Or was it fifty years old or something?" I an going to hate this truck, I'm sure.

"Umm, it was new in the early sixties, maybe late fifties. Why? You got a problem with that?" He said calmly, then yelled the last part in my face. I jumped again. My dad is having some weird mood swings. Hmm, maybe he's PMSing. Maybe that's the real reason mom left him all those years ago. My dad's really a girl! Oh Em Ge! What do I do? Okay, B-Izzel, stay calm.

"You're a girl! Oh my god!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Charlie scowls at me and I stop screaming. "What? You are having major mood swings, so I figured you where PMSing, but you have to be a girl to PMS, so I just figured you are really a girl and that's why mom left you all those years ago!" I say that all really fast and without a pause to breathe. I gasp in air as I wait for him to reply.

He just says, "I'm not PMSing and I'm not a girl." Then everything is quite.

I take this chance to scope the place. Everything is green. Everything. Even the grass! It's crazy! When we finally got to the house. Charlie still lived in the super ugly, small house that he did when I was a baby. It had one bathroom, which I had to share with Charlie, I was not looking forward to that, and two bedrooms.

My sexy red truck was parked on the street in front of the house. I'm in love. I jump out of the car and run over to the truck. "I love it!" I scream and start humping it, just like the dog did me. I stop and blush a dark red when I hear laughter from behind me. When I get down and turn to see who's laughing, I see some Indian guy in a wheelchair and a guy that looks a year or so younger than me. The wheelchair dude and my dad continue laughing and the teen just stares at me with his mouth open, drool falling down his chin. What's this guys problem? He needs to stop looking at me like that.

"Can I… Touch you?" He whispers in awe. Well that isn't creepy at all. I scowl, he is lucky to be in my presence. That should be enough.

"No." I say and walk into the house.

My room had a wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains, they were all the same as I left them a few summers ago, when I last visited.

I unpacked all my crap and worried about the school day tomorrow for the rest of the night.

**xxxxxx**

I cried all night because I forgot my pet rock. Now Rocky was going to die, because mum would forget to feed and walk him. Now, I know what you are thinking. How do you feed a rock? Am I right? Well, I'll tell you. You need a needle, some smashed up rock food (dirt), and you have to have make a careful incision right above the rocks belly. What? You don't know where a rocks belly is? Sigh. You guys are hopeless and your rocks are going to die. Just like mine. I started sobbing again.

I didn't get any sleep and it was raining all night, which didn't help things any. Breakfast with Charlie was interesting. He only caught fire to the pancakes three times before he let me eat some cereal and he kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eyes. It was weird.

He wished me good luck at school and when I didn't reply, he chased me around the room with a rubber spatula, all the while shouting about teaching me manners.

I managed to evade him and get out the door, my book bag hanging over my shoulder.

School here I come.


	3. Dog Crap and Very Sexy People

Authors Note: **Okay, so I was writing the lunch scene and I instantly thought of the first movie. I had to watch it again and I just wanted to know if anybody else noticed Emmett eating that rice crispy treat? And no offence is meant to anybody. This is a crack-fic. Anyways, on to the story! And sorry it's late!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own, mkay? So don't sue me.

**xxxxxx**

When I got into my truck, after barely escaping Charlie and the scary spatula, I smelt tobacco, peppermint, and dog crap. I looked around and screamed when I saw the Chihuahua, from the plane ride yesterday, sitting in the passenger seat. He barked once, then came over and humped my leg for a minute before jumping out the window and running away. I was still screaming though. When my dad finally came out with the spatula, I hit the gas.

I probably should have put the car in reverse first, though. The next thing I know, the car is sitting in the living room and my dad is turning purple. I quickly jump out of the car, falling on my face three times, before I manage to get to my dad. "Are you choking? Oh my god, your choking. Okay, B-Izzel, what do you do when a person is choking? I knew I should have paid attention in that CPR class, but the teacher was so sexy, and he just made it so hard to concentrate!" I ramble, on panic mode.

"Bella," Charlie says, quietly.

I ignore him and continue rambling. "Okay. Think. Umm," I search my tiny brain for a solution.

"Bella." He says it a little louder this time, but I still ignore him.

"Stop, drop, and roll!" I shout and then pause, a thoughtful expression on my face. "Wait, that's for when you're on fire. You're not on fire are you dad?" I ask, trying to be helpful.

"Bella!" Charlie screams and I scowl. Didn't he understand I was trying to save his life here? Ugh, this is the last time I help him.

"You know what? I'm leaving for school and if you die, it's your own fault. You wouldn't listen to my helpful suggestions. Goodbye!" I shout and turn around, marching towards my car. No really, I was marching. I used to be in band, and it became a habit.

I back out of the drive way and pull onto the road. "I'm a gangster and gangsters break the law, so I'm going to drive really fast while rapping!" I say to myself and hit the gas. The truck only goes twenty five miles an hour, thought. Taylor Swift and T-Pain's song, Thug Story comes on the radio and I rap along with it.

"I'm like 8 foot 4, blonde hair to the floor. You shorties never thought I dreamed about rapping hardcore. No I ain't got a gun, no I never really been in a club, still live with my parents but I'm still a thug. I'm so gangster you can find me baking cookies at night. You out clubbing but I just made caramel delight. T-Swift and T-Pain rapping on the same track. It's a thug story, tell me can you handle that?"

By the time I was done rapping I was at school. I parked in front of the front office and walked into the building. People stopped to stare at me. You're probably thinking they were staring at my very sexy-ness, right? Well, you're wrong. Remember how I said I was a gangster? Well, I made sure to dress the part and I was walking with my swagger on.

Some random kid with pimples and oily hair came up to me. "Hi! You must be Isabella. I'm Eric." He pauses, examining the way I'm walking. "Is there something wrong with your leg?" He asks in concern. Ugh, I already hate this kid. And why in the world would he think there was something wrong with my leg.

"No! No, there is nothing wrong with my leg! And my name is B-Izzel! Gosh!" I scream and storm into the office in a very sexy manner, because, well, lets all face it, I'm sexy.

The office lady gives me my schedule and map of the campus and after some questioning about how single my father was, I was aloud to leave. I sigh of relief as I come out of the office. Apparently, the office lady had a bit of a crush on my dad. And when I say, 'a bit', I mean, she is completely in love with him. Creepy, right?

Anyway, I pulled my sexy truck around the school and parked far away, so the sounds said truck makes wont bring any attention to me. I spend the next ten minutes trying to memorize the school map and scoping the parking lot. I screamed in jealousy when I saw a car sexier than mine.

I instantly decided to destroy who ever owned that stupid shiny Volvo.

After plotting ways to take the stupid Volvo's owner down, I get out of the car and head to first period. The owner of the Volvo, or TOOTV as I like to call it for short, is going down. I smile evilly and head to my first class.

"Yo." I say to two girls that are hanging their coats up on a rack in the classroom. The brunette barely spares a glance at me and that makes me mad. In a random burst of energy, also known as an adrenalin rush, I pick the brunette up and throw her out of the two story window. Did I mention we were on the second floor? I giggle. The blonde that was standing beside her squeaks and cowers away from me in fear.

"Isabella Swan?" The teacher, Mr. Mason, I thing it was, calls question in his voice apparent. I scowl at my full name and growl at the teacher. Oh no! That Leah chick rubbed off on me! No! I'm going to be a freak that acts like a dog! Ah!

Everybody stares at me as I have a mental break down on my hands and knees. I turn red and avoid everybody's eyes as I stand up and wipe invisible dust off myself, before walking over to Mr. Mason's desk and handing him my slip to sign. He was so boring, I feel asleep instantly.

_**Briiiiing**_

I was jolt awake, angry that my wonderful dream about Mick Jagger telling me I am the sexiest girl in the world and that he wants to dry hump me, was cut off. Stupid school. I hate school.

Every other class sucked, so I'm not going too far into detail. I'm going to get to the good part.

Seven sexy sex gods and goddesses walk into the cafeteria. Everything is silent and music starts playing, the janitor turns a huge fan on them, blowing their clothes and hair. When did that fan get there? They walk in slowly, like in slow motion. It was weird, so I broke the silence.

"I'm like 8 foot 4, blonde hair to the floor. You shorties never thought I dreamed about rapping hardcore. No I ain't got a gun, no I never really been in a club, still live with my parents but I'm still a thug." I stand up on the table, rapping my song,. I start dancing all over the place, after a few minutes. Jessica, the girl I had thrown out of the window earlier, started laughing at me, so I threw her out the window again. To bad we're only on the first floor.

After Jessica comes back, I ask her, "Who are those hunks?" I turn to see all of them staring at me. I shoot them an over exaggerated wink and turn back around to face Jessica, waiting for her reply.

Jessica giggles when she looks up and see's who I'm talking about. "Those are the Cullen's." She giggles again when the hottest guy there looks up at us. I feel my face flush and look down. "Okay, the dude with the bronze, sex hair is Edward Cullen." She gives me a chance to look at him. I have decided I am in love. It takes all I have not to get up and dry hump him right there. What can I say? He's sexy.

"The large, muscular guy with the black curly hair is Emmett Cullen. The blondes are Jasper and Rosalie Hale. And the small girl with the pixie cut is Alice Cullen." Jessica finishes and glances back at them.

I stare at them from the corner of my eye and notice they aren't eating. Anything. Maybe their anorexic or something. Oh and they have strange, unpopular names. Hmm, maybe that's in vogue here or something.

"They are… very sexy!" I point out, sparing another glance at the subjects of our conversation.

"Yes! They are!" Jessica lets out another giggle. "They're all together, though." She says and I scowl. I'd kill who ever was with my Eddiekins. Hopefully they would be the owner of that Volvo, so I could kill two birds with one stone. "Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper and Alice, anyway." She sighs wistfully as she throws another glance at them over her shoulder.

I sigh in relief that my sexy Eddie is single.

"But they live together. And it's weird, I mean-" Jessica starts, but I cut her off.

"They don't look related." I throw another glance at them, over my shoulder. My Eddie poo better not be into incest. I don't want our babies coming out like those people in Wrong Turn. I shiver at the though of having psychotic, cannibalistic, hairy, murderers as children.

"Oh, well. I mean, their not related. Well, Jasper and Rosalie are. They were adopted by Dr. Cullen and his wife. I don't think she can have kids." Jessica sure knows a lot about this family. Maybe she's a stalker.

"Are you a stalker or something?" I ask, bluntly. She scowls at me and Edward's head snaps up, his eyes finding us immediately. Jessica blushes and avoids his eye. "Well?" I say when she doesn't answer.

"So what if I am." She scowls and I frown.

"Stalk whoever you want, but if you touch my eddiekins I will kill you." I stab my food, emphasizing the last four words. She just stares blankly at me. I smile brightly.

"So, who else has biology II next period?" I ask, looking around.

A girl with brown hair and glasses said she did.

"If you don't walk with me to class, I'll kill you." I hiss.

She had better walk with me. "O-okay… let's go!" she squeaks, gathering her stuff up as the bell rings. I grab my things and follow her. The walk to class was silent. The girl, Angela was her name, seemed shy and I didn't have anything to say, so we walked to class in silence.

Angela went to sit at her seat and I went to the teacher, to get my slip signed. I noticed the only empty seat in the class room was beside Edward. This puts my plan of Getting Edward To Date Me into action. Yay!

Now, you're all probably wondering what my Getting Edward To Date Me plans are and when I came up with them. Well, I just came up with them and what they are is a surprise.

I hand the teacher my slip and he signs it, before sending me to the seat beside my sexy sex god. I walk in front of the fan, heading to my seat, when I notice he is hunched over with a hand over his mouth and nose, like he smells something nasty.

I subtly smell my hair and all I smell is my strawberry shampoo. I instantly flash back to this morning.

**-Flash Back-**

**When I got into my truck, after barely escaping Charlie and the scary spatula, I smelt tobacco, peppermint, and dog crap. I looked around and screamed when I saw the Chihuahua, from the plane ride yesterday, sitting in the passenger seat. He barked once, then came over and humped my leg for a minute before jumping out the window and running away. I was still screaming though. When my dad finally came out with the spatula, I hit the gas.**

**-End Flash Back-**

I looked at the bottom of my shoe and saw… gasp! Dog poop! I am going to kill that dog. Oh my gosh, this cannot be happening. I blush a dark red and avoid his gaze. He holds one hand over his nose, and the other grips the edge of his desk.

This screws all of my plans up. Edward will never want to date a smelly girl. I feel tears come to my eyes, but I fight them back. B-Izzle never cries. Ever. I sneak a glance at him, only to instantly regret it. His almost black eyes are filled with disgust and revulsion as he glares at me.

"Hi." I manage to get out. Edward stares blankly at me, seemingly confused. I turn my head again when he says nothing. The bell chooses that minute to ring and Edward is out of the class before it's even done ringing.

I stared after him, blankly. This is going to make my Getting Edward To Date Me plans a lot harder.

"Hey. Are you Isabella Swan? The very sexy new girl?" a male voice questions me.

Now, normally, I'd yell at whoever had the nerve to call me 'Isabella', but he also called me 'very sexy', so I'm not going to yell at him. I turn around and see a baby-faced blonde guy. "Yes, I am. But I prefer B-Izzle." I say, standing up and grabing my bag.

"You're a gangster too! This is so cool. My name is Mikey-N. I'm also a gangster!" he says, excitingly. Mikey-N then shows me his 'stanky-leg' dance. I, need-less to say, have to hold in my laughter. This boy needs some help. And 'Mikey-N'? WTF?

Mike, I'm going to call him that for short, then stands up straight and asks if I need help finding my next class. "Yeah, I'm heading to the gym. But, I'm sure I can find it." I say, sick of him already.

"That's my next class! I'll walk you!" He grabbed my arm and started dragging me before I could protest. When we walked by Edward I decided to make him jealous. I wraped my arm around Mike and kissed his cheek.

Edward got so mad he punched a locker off the hinges.

Phase one, make Edward jealous, is now complete. Mike blushed a deep red and smiled. Uh-oh. Now he's gonna think I actually have a crush on him.

**-Mike POV-**

Yay! She actually has a crush on me! Oh yeah, uh-huh! Woo! Take that, bronze haired, sex god! You got nothing on me now! Woo! Yeah! Ima do a happy dance!

**-Bella POV-**

I better make my feelings for him clear.

**-Mike POV-**

Uh-huh, oh yea- oww! She just punched me! Why? Why did my sexy, gangster, want-to-be-british- gangster, girlfriend just punch me?

"I was using you to make Edward jealous. I don't want you. Sorry. And thanks for walking me to class. I'm going to go get hit in the head with vollyballs now. Bye!" she says, before bouncing into the gym. Literally.

Oh yeah, she so wants me.

**-Bella POV-**

After class, I went to the front office again to give her my slip. As I was about to walk in, I noticed Edward arguing with the lady. I stayed behind the door to listen in on their conversation. They were arguing over him being moved from sixth-period biology to another time- any other time, apparently.

I couldn't believe he was moving to another class just because I smelt bad today. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I decide to add that dog to my hit list.

**B-Izzels Hit List**

**1. Phil**

**2. Jessica**

**3. Subways**

**4. Evil dog that keeps humping me and pooped in my car**

The Subways thing is a long story, I'll explain later. Anyways, the door opened and a gust of wind blew in. Edward stiffened when he smelt the poop and mutter something about it being alright and thanking her for her time, before he stormed out.

"How did your first day go, dear?" the receptionist asked me. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Good." I whisper, lying threw my teeth. I go to my truck and drive back to Charlie's, fighting tears the whole way.

**xxxxxx**

**Authors Note: **Short and horrible, I know. I wasn't in the mood to write anything all that funny, but I knew I had to get this chapter done. So, you guys, please review! Please. Please. Please!


	4. Note

**Hi guys! **

**I'm so so so sorry to say that this is an authors note, not an update. So I know most of you all hate me, for which I honestly don't blame you. I hate myself right now *hangs head in shame* And I really have no excuse as to why I haven't updated in so long, except writers block.**

**BUT!**

**I'm back! (:**

**I'm going to edit this story and continue writing it. I'm thinking about moving it to my other profile, xXSarcasmAndCakexx. So keep an eye out for it on that profile!**

**With love,**

**The Coolest Loser You Know.**


	5. Stalkers, Trees, and Voldemort Oh My!

**Authors Note: So I decided to keep this on this page and the way it is. Sorry it took so long to post, I've been real busy (ten library books tend to do that to yah ;)) BUT, alas, I'm back and I hope you lurrrrve this chapter.**

**Also. No trees were hurt in the making of this (;**

**Disclaimer: Bella's name isn't B-Izzel and I don't own Twilight. Happy?**

The next day was good… and bad.

It was good because it hadn't rained yet-rain makes my hair frizz up really bad, and it makes me look like I've got an air-fro-, though the clouds were dense and dark. It was good because I knew what to expect that day: Mike stalking me; Eric trying to also stalk me, but Mike not letting him, causing him to glare at me and Mike the whole day; which was creepy.

People didn't stare at me like they had the day before, which pissed me off, because I wanted attention. I'm super sexy, and people need to stare at super sexy people.

I sat with a big group of people at lunch, which was awesome because they all talked to me like I was a shiny new toy, and that made me feel better about myself and made me feel popular: my life long goal… Well, that and becoming a hobo. I began remembering their names and faces, so I guess that was good (for them).

It was bad because I didn't sleep at all the night before, because Charlie made me clean the mess I made and rebuild the wall I ran my truck through.

I still have debris in my hair, but that's probably because I forgot to shower last night. Oh well. It was horrible because Mr. Varner called on me in Trig and my answer was 'red'. The whole class laughed and Mr. Varner assumed I had been asleep, which I wasn't, I actually thought the answer was red. How was I suppose to know there are no colors in Trig? Of course, I didn't say that in fear of looking stupid. It was horribly horrible because in gym I was forced at gun-point by Jessica to play Volleyball with her. She didn't want to look stupid and horrible at it, so she made me play, to make her look better, because I make everyone look better in Volleyball.

I'm going to add her to my hit list.

**B-Izzels Hit List**

**1. Phil**

**2. Jessica**

**3. Subways**

**4. Evil dog that keeps humping me and pooped in my car**

Oh, wait. She's already on my hit list. Oops.

Anyway, the number one reason my day sucked:

Edward Cullen was not at school today. I couldn't stalk, ehem, I mean, admire him from afar. Yeah, that sounds so much better.

All morning I was dreading lunch, fearful of his very sexy glare. A part of me wanted to walk very sexily up to him, demand to know what his problem was, and then rape him. Wait. You can't rape the willing, and I'm so sexy we all know he'd be willing! Yay! Anyway, while I was lying in my bed awake, picturing him shirtless I imagined what I would say to him. I knew I'd never actually say any of those things, because no matter how sexy or confident I am, I am a total coward.

And a whiney baby, not that I'd every admit that to anyone.

But, when me and Jessica cat walked into the cafeteria like all the Cullen's had, I eagerly searched the cafeteria for him. My (very sexy) eyes found the Cullen table, but there were only four people seated, not six. Wait, four plus one is six right? Oh, of course it is!

Mike immediately grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder, leaving Jessica behind to cry because, and I quote, 'my one true love has found another woman to rendezvous with!'. Ugh, what a baby. I really hate that girl.

When Mike dropped me down onto the seat beside him, all I could think was, _Either Mike is really strong or Phil is just really weak. The first option seems way too far-fetched and I have no problem believing the second._

Mike went on to chat loudly to me, talking about anything and everything, I ignored him, though and stared shamelessly at the Cullen table, hoping and praying to Buddha that my true love would walk through the door, come over here, and take me.

Needless to say, he never came and I grew more and more tense.

Angela walked with me to Biology again, and Mike tagged along, acting less like a person and more like a dog as he walked every where I did. I even walking in a complete circle in the middle of the hall, and he followed behind me. I pictured him with a spiked dog collar and a bone in his mouth. It was so funny, I had to bite my lip really hard to keep from laughing. When we got to Biology, I held my breathe at the door until I turned purple… Oh my god! I'm choking too! What do I do! AHHH!

I started running around in circles, screaming at the top of my lungs. "I'm choking!" I yelled to Mike, who jumped at the chance to have his arms around me.

His scrawny arms circled my waist and squeezed, until I realized I wasn't choking, I was just holding my breathe. I immediately hit Mike over the head with a huge Encyclopedia, and then took my seat dejectedly, disappointed and a bit relieved that Edward wasn't there. Mike walked over to my desk, and lingered as long as possible. He chatted excitedly about some up coming beach trip. I mean really? A beach trip? It's freezing cold outside! He's going to catch phenomena and die! …On second though…

Anyway, Mike stayed by my desk until the bell rang, chatting about something or another. Then he smiled wistfully at me and headed to his desk to sit beside some chick with an air-fro and front teeth as big as a beavers… literally. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike's stalkerishness, and I wouldn't be easy. Even though I'm super sexy, I've got zero practice with over friendly, stalkerish boys who want to rape me.

I was relieved, yet sad that I had the desk all to myself, that Edward was not attending class today. Even though I told myself that over and over a million times, I could not rid my small brain of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't here. It made me feel good and bad. Good because it would be so awesome to have that affect on someone. Bad, because that some one is a total sex god. But, it was impossible. And yet, I could not help but worry that maybe it was true.

Edward will never love me now!

When the horrible day was finally over and my over-used blush(the make-up) was fading from the sweat, I quickly changed back into my baggy jeans, over sized tee, hi-top Nikes, and my chain. I rushed out of the boys locker room (no, I was not spying… okay, yes, yes I was.) pleased to have evaded Mike the Stalker. I ran to the parking lot, which was not crowed with students anxious to get home, and threw myself in my truck.

I quickly dug through my bag to make sure I had my shopping list and jar marked 'food money'. I was put on cooking duty because Charlie is to lazy to do anything. After attempting to make dinner last night, I discovered the only thing in our fridge was expired pig liver.

I was on my way to the Thriftway. What a dumb name for a grocery store; it sounds more like a thrift shop than anything.

Anyway, I coaxed my loud car to life, waving at every student that looked over at me, and ran over all the cars in my way to get out of this hell hole. As I sped away (29 miles an hour, what a speed demon I am, huh?) I glanced back at all the cars my truck had squashed, I noticed the Cullen's and Hale's getting into their car.

A Volvo.

I almost hit a tree, staring at their sexiness and the realization that they owned the Volvo. I can't destroy my one true loves' family. It's just so unethical. Dammit.

Wait. How in the world did a tree end up in the middle of a school parking lot? Man, this town is weird.

Anyway, the Cullen's and Hale's stared as my car passed them and almost hit the evil tree; I waved to them.

The Thriftway wasn't to far from the school, lucky dad. If it was across town or something, I'd have thrown a huge fit and scowled and growled at him all night. He'd be scared if I did that. Very scared.

I got in and out of that horrid shopping center as fast as I could. There was this creepy piece of lettuce that keep staring at me, like it wanted to rape me or something. It was creepy. For a few minutes in side the store, I pretended I was back in Arizona. The store was large enough, that I didn't hear the rain on the roof, so it was easier to pretend. I imagined Mum and Phil behind me, making out and yelling at me to 'get my fat ass off the ground'…. I fall a lot.

It was nice.

Well, until mum turned into the Incredible Hulk and started throwing people and aisles of food. Then it got scary, so I stopped pretending. Instead, I walked around like the gangster I am, and winked at old people. It was fun until some old lady came over and asked me out on a date! At least, I think it was a lady. Eww, right?

After that, I ran for my truck, forgetting to pay for the food. The alarms stared going off, and the next thing I know fat cops are coming out at me everywhere. And I mean, _everywhere._

One dropped from the ceiling, while another popped out of the water fountain facet.

Deciding I couldn't let them get me because it wouldn't be very Gangster-ish of me, I jumped into my truck and we were on a high-speed chase. I was going a record thirty-five miles an hour, and I decided I needed some theme music, so I turned my radio on.

_Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?_

I was jamming to my music, speeding along the abandoned roads towards the La Push county line, when suddenly something ran out in front of me. Deciding it was the only appropriate thing to do, I screamed.

Hitting the breaks and screaming at the same time is a difficult feat, but I managed. I swerved off the road, effectively dogging the cops. They flew right past my truck, which was now located in the ditch, not bothering to glance in my direction.

I quickly got out and did a happy dance, before going to see what I almost hit or did hit.

It was a Chihuahua. Not just any Chihuahua, though. THE Chihuahua. Oh Em Gee. The thing was stalking me! AHH! What do you do when you're being stalked? Deciding it was the best thing to do in this dire situation, I started running around in circles, with my hands in the air, screaming 'Stalker Chihuahua, help!".

Suddenly, at about my fiftieth circle, the dog started becoming a human. Not just any human, though. It was…. It was….

Lord Voldemort?

Huh?

**-xXx-**

**Authors Note: Muahahahahahah- cough. Ehem. I am so evil, I know. I was aiming for the whole second chapter, but I only got to the top of the fifth page. I know, I'm horrible. I just couldn't resisit the Cliff Hanger. Haha, I bet you all were expecting Jacob right?**

**I'll let you in on a little secret. So was I! Haha, I'm a retard.**

**So, I can't resist asking who can guess how many times 'Sexy' or 'Sexiness' or anything having to do with attractiveness with the word 'Sex' in it?**

**Now I have to go count. Dammit! **

**Anyway, for those of you who don't read Harry Potter (What is wrong with you!), Lord Voldemort is an evil wizard trying to destroy all the muggles (non-magical peeps) and all the half-blood (Wizards or witches whose mom or dad is either Muggle Born (parents who are not magical) or Muggle) and muggle born witches and wizards…. Yeah, I've just confused myself, so I'm going to go and work on my HP parody (I LOVE doing parodys (;)**

**Ciao! **


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